Do Everything

Lately I have been struggling with my identity. I am no longer working and am not staying home full time. So who am I now that I no longer have a career? A few weeks ago we went to by me a car. As we were signing the loan papers the dude asked me what my career was. It was the first time I had to say stay at home mom. I almost shuddered when I said it and to make matters worse he not so kindly informed me that I would need my husband to make this purchase.

  I never thought I would be so reliant on a man! I had all these dreams of being independent and making it on my own. Now, here I am more dependent on my husband than ever. I decided after we bought my car that I had to get a grip on these thoughts or my next 5 or 6 years were going to be hell!

Here is what God is showing me! He has a divine plan for me and my little family and the path is laid out! I can not make the plans! I need to be proud of my new title "stay at home mom." God has called me and equipped me to stay home with my girls! My job is to raise them to love Jesus more than anything and to protect them! That is more important than all the butt wiping I could ever do!

God did not provide a path for me to stay home just so I could be dependent on Jay! He is my partner in this and one of my greatest supporters. He provides for us out of love and servant hood. Never has he made me feel like I do not contribute but the exact opposite he is the one reminding me that God has called us to do this and  He will provide for us in all ways!

I struggle still and will continue to struggle just because I loved my career so much but God's blessings abound from being obedient to His path. One blessing He has given me is a passion for the volunteer work I do at the church! I love so much that I get the opportunity to connect new volunteers to a place to serve God! But that is for another post! 

When Satan tries and attacks my mind I just need to remember this is the path God has called me to and there is nowhere safer than His will!

Oct 13th

This time 4 years ago I was trying to decide whether or not to go on a blind date in "The City." I was at a spot in my life where I was open to God's influence in my dating life! I suppose He decided that I gave in enough that He would rock my world. Friday Oct. 13th I drove from Shawnee, OK to the ghetto in OKC. I walked into Rococo's with no expectations and left calling my dad telling him I met this great friend. The date continued to a haunted house and talking till 3 or 4 in the morning. I opened myself just enough to God's influence that He was able to place the most amazing friend in my life. Oct. 13th is so important to the both of us that we do not even acknowledge our wedding anniversary! My life at the time I met Jay was so volatile! I was so unsure of myself and frankly did not think to highly of me! The difference was I stopped fighting God and God was then able to place someone in my life that could love me so unconditionally that I began to understand how much Christ truly loved me! I challenge you to stop wrestling with God and allow Him to rock your world!

Week With MeMaw

This is for you Bekah Lou!!!

A couple weeks ago Lindsey and I went to stay with my Memaw, after she was discharged from the hospital! I went thinking this would be good for my grandma. Turns out the week was meant for me! God really spoke to me about some struggles in my heart and gave me and Lindsey some much needed nothing to do or go to time! I truly enjoyed taking my grandma with me everywhere! We went to the park, the doctor, the safari, to eat, the post office, ect. It was so nice to see my aunts every night as they came and checked in on us! The best part was each night Lindsey would crawl up in Memaw's lap and snuggle close to watch Touched by an Angel! She loved the special time to snuggle and to be spoiled. Funny how God will use less than stellar events to bring you rest and peace! I am so in love with my Father and how much He provides when I do not even realize I am in need! If I just asked for God to provide me with monetary means I would be missing out on the true gifts. God answered my needs with a week away and family time!

Change of heart.

OMG!!!! I am in a season of growth and discovery and I am feeling right now that I have grown more than is possible but God just keeps revealing things that need to be tweaked. On the inside I feel like I can no longer keep going but some how I keep going by God's grace! This week I went home to AR to help take care of my Memaw after she was released from the hospital. I needed that week more than she did! God revealed so much to me about my priorities! Since the infamous day care event God has been redirecting my priorities. However, old habits die hard! I keep trying to put meaningless things before my family. Even when my passion for something has died I keep going! I have to learn to stop!

Be Careful What You Pray For

I know a lot of times when I pray and ask God for something I 1. expect Him to answer in a way that I have preplanned out and 2. I most usually hope that He won't answer because that would require change on my part.

Here is a little history for ya'. When I found out I was pregnant with Lindsey I decided that staying home was the best option and how great would I be if I stayed home. Fast forward to 6 weeks after she was born and I was absolutely miserable. My child screamed all day long. I had so much baby weight (ok ok it was Braum's weight) that being outside and social in the summer was paralyzing. Looking back I think I had a touch of postpartum depression. All I wanted to do was go back to work and fast! So, I decided to go back to work. I decided that daycare was a good option (for our family).

See all the I's! I never prayed about it nor did I really include Jay in the discussion! Jay was sweet and let me work it out!

For a few months I had really been struggling with Lindsey being in daycare and me working so much. Jay gets sick of me saying, well I could work this shift and these day and we could do such and such with Lindsey. He sweetly lets me think out loud and patiently waits for my planning to pass. Well, this time I threw him for a loop and just shared my frustrations and concerns and just asked him to pray about staying home with Lindsey. I threw in a little planning but the heart of it all was to seek God. As I was praying I had my conditions and I had it planned out, all God had to do was follow the map. But at least this time I was taking my desires and concerns to God, conditions and all.

Well, the joke was on me! God graciously answered my prayer with conditions. I wish the circumstances to allow this opportunity would not have happened but they did. He was even so gracious as to meet some of my conditions! I will still be able to work some. Lindsey will hopefully go to a wonderful Mother's Day Out where she can be social and I can still do a few things I love! 15 hours a week of child care sounds so much better than 40 -50 plus! I get to stay home. Jay and I are still figuring out how all this will work financially but we are praying and trusting God with as few conditions as possible!

God knows the desires of your heart. Don't insult God and His love by praying with conditions and expectations. The expectation you should pray with is the expectation that He will and does provide and when He does it will blow you away! I am so thankful!

On a side note here are some pics from our trip to the pool Memorial Day.

It took about 30 mins but after that she was in love running in and out of the shallow end! This smile never left her face!

I love him! So much sacrifice to make his girls the happiest in the world! His love is so amazing!

Running and running and running and running! She is so amazing! O and that tan on her well I am jealous! As I type she is a golden goddess and I am a red lobster!

And more running! For 2 hours she ran and splashed and ran. However, if she got distracted and the water came up to her booty she flipped and lid, turned around a high tailed it back to the shallow end!